Caddie Jack's Caddie Shack

By Greg Barton

Some of the best road trips are a golf outing with your boys. If it’s the usual four day golf orgy then consider playing high end golf with caddies. Today four merry men are on their way to a ritzy golf course. Inside the caddie shack sits a young caddie named Jack.  The assistant caddie master informs Jack there is a foursome arriving. 

Caddie Jack says...

I encourage any group of golfers to first investigate web sites for specials on greens fees. Look up the zip code of your golf destination on the internet. Saving money on the round will do two things. It’ll inject more alcohol in the round and a taxi might be in the budget The group checks in at the pro shop. The pro behind the desk introduces them to the caddie master. He introduces the group to a young caddie named Jack.  

Caddie Jack says...

Good call on taking a caddie. It’s not like your going to rake your bunkers and fill your divots. I’ll save you from the drunken fall into a steep bunker and it’ll be me that finds your ball in the ruff.  You can’t hit the ball off the tee as far as you think.  The guys are bumming out. They were just informed that its cart path only.  

Caddie Jack says...

You might as well let me and another caddie carry your bags. Hustling up clubs, yardage, and divot sand in wet conditions ruins socks and makes my skin crack and peel. Don’t sentence me to a terrible loop. Tip me extra for the Lamasil I’ll surely need. Because the conditions are wet the group asks if it’ll rain during the round. Naturally the caddie master lied about today’s weather report. 

Caddie Jack says...

It goes without saying to not take a caddie when you know good and well its going to rain. In fact don’t even try to play golf. Why force a round of golf in bad conditions. You know I’m gonna get a cold. If there is any chance it might rain and you’re walking, request a cart. The caddie rides all day and if the weather suddenly turns you’re not forced to make that walk of shame in the rain back to the pro shop, you’re mobile.  Jack eyes one of his golfers. It’s obvious he hasn’t played much golf in the last twenty years. He kicks off his flip flops and pulls up his jeans to put on his tennis shoes.  

Caddie Jack says...

Usually the caddie master or myself can recognize if a guy doesn’t necessarily need a caddie. There’s a bag over there with Founders irons and a Judge driver covered in dust. Caddies are compulsive gamblers. I’ll bet the caddie master that bag belongs to the guy in jeans.   All the guys rummage through their golf bags. It appears that two guys need to buy some balls. One golfer asks Jack what the cheapest ball in the pro shop is.  

Caddie Jack says...

Asking what the cheapest ball available in the pro shop might make me vomit all over you. If you are that frugal book a tee time after the club no longer issues caddies. The greens fees are less and you don’t have to tip me the money you would otherwise pay for those cheap balls of which I am obligated to look for when you hit them in the junk.  The group is on the first tee box. It’s early in the morning but the guys want to drink. The cart girl pulls up and asks if anyone would like a beverage; she is young and very attractive. All the guys are ready to fork over all their cash. 

Caddie Jack says...

Try not to pay for drinks on the golf cart with cash. Any caddie feels as though you’re spending his tip on drinks. It is very ominous. If you have a room at the courses hotel, ask to put the drink tab on the room. And if the group collectively is getting too drunk fork over my tip before you completely black out.  The cart girl starts handing out drinks. Turns out the guys are part of a mastered group. Everything on the cart is on a company tab. All the guys are in a frenzy dipping their hands into the beverage carts cooler. 

Caddie Jack says...

I may be a caddie but I’m not dumb. I know you’re playing for nothing on a company outing and everything is complimentary. Offer me a snack, a Macanudo cigar, a Coors light or a shot of Patron. If you’re not going to eat that bag lunch I’ll finish it off. You should let me have those free sleeves of balls. You’re not good enough to hit a Pro-V1.  The caddie master neglected to inform Jack that the guys are on a company outing. Jack isn’t sure what he is making on this loop. 

Caddie Jack says...

In corporate golf outings there is a master gratuity owed to every caddie. It usually runs around $100 to $180. I have the opportunity to double my usual daily pay. I’m gonna caddie the hell out of these schmucks. Jack goes through a little introduction to tell the guys what he’s gonna do for them as a caddie. He asks the group if there is any kind of format they will play. He is informed that everyone is playing their own ball.  

Caddie Jack says...

Most corporate outings have a scramble format. Every foursome plays a single ball. Never deviate from this. I get a break because it’s pay for a foursome, but work for a single. I have the opportunity to then provide the best service. One of the guys has a stiff back. Jack advises the group play a scramble format. Another wants to play his own ball so he can enter a score to establish his handicap.  

Caddie Jack says...

Never insist on playing your own ball in a scramble format. You will not utilize me as a caddie, because I will ignore you. A golf outing is meant as a meet and greet. Everyone networks. One golfer off to the side playing his own ball for a triple bogey makes everyone loath him. Everyone recognizes the guy that’s not a team player. One of the guys takes Jack to the side to ask about a course the group is going to play in a few days.  

Caddie Jack says...

 If you want to arrive before your buddies and do a little reconnaissance on the golf course play as a single and insist to play with your caddie. If he’s good it will essentially serve as a playing lesson thus saving more money and any ridiculous 45 minute, one hundred dollar lesson, that would only otherwise confuse you. Most caddies are PGA certified to teach anyways.  The cart girl pulls up again. It’s another mad dash to buy drinks and tip the hot cart girl. One of the guys asks Jack if there is a female caddie available and if they can request her. 

Caddie Jack says...

Don’t be the pervert that requests a female caddie. It’s possible she’s not attractive. The can of dip in her back pocket should tell you something. She might not know a single thing about golf. A female caddie is a gimmick. Good luck getting a read on a putt. And for God sakes don’t try to impress a female caddie by dragging a random hooker along while you play your round. It’s insulting to her and you should be arrested.  In fairway position Jack eyeballs everyone’s tee shot. It’s a dogleg left and everyone fades it to the right, clearly out of bounds. When the group approaches Jack points to everyone ball sitting in the first cut of rough.  

Caddie Jack says...

Just listen in amazement at the idea of chance. I’ll tell you your tee shot hit the tree and bounced off the cart path and advanced twenty yards ahead. All you have to do is grab a club, hit the ball and agree it was a member’s bounce. Just accept some caddy love, its best for both of us.  The group comes across a difficult par three. Its long and the green is elevated. One of the guys bets Jack to make the shot. Grabbing a three iron Jack snuggles the ball five feet from the hole. The best golfer in the group is intrigued. He asks if he could request Jack as a single and play a match against him.  

Caddie Jack says...

Most caddies that are a solid stick thrive in this situation. This is actually a chance for you to give your caddie a minimum tip should he loose. However if I stick it within feet you should pay up right then. Before the round is I’ll sucker you into another stupid bet. Also there are many games that involve cards, dice and poker chips that can get you and the guys betting outside the casino.  One of the guys in the group gets a strange look in his eye. All the guys gather around in the shade. Jack looks around for any group within looking distance.  

Caddie Jack says...

If you and your buddies are looking to have fun involving some contraband get in tight with me. I know all the blinds spots for any “get right” situation. Consider that most caddies were once golf pros or perhaps squandered away a scholarship. We have most things that numb the pain. If you’re running low just know that if I don’t get my tip from you I’ll make up the difference in the sale of any controlled substance. The wind is howling on a difficult approach shot to a green. Jack claims there is a two club wind. One of the guys doesn’t bother to club up. The ball goes in the drink. On the green the same guy argues about a putting read. 

Caddie Jack says...

Golf is a difficult sport. It’s a discipline. Don’t request a caddie and be either too aloof or arrogant to take his advice. I’ll give up on you. Remember there is no difference between a cups edge or just outside the cups edge. Otherwise I would be carrying a golfer’s bag on tour and it wouldn’t be yours. The round is over now and all the guys are ready to suck down a few more beers inside. Suddenly there is the issue of tipping out the caddie. 

Caddie Jack says...

There is a general rule which every golfer can use when calculating a caddies tip. High end golf is not unlike fine dining. It’s good to tip a little more than twenty percent of the bill when you eat at a fancy restaurant. The same rule applies for high end golf. Tip you’re a little bit more than twenty percent of the greens fees. You know what twenty percent is.  The guys are obviously intoxicated. Jack stands glaring at the group. All the guys look around at each other. Finally one of them asks the caddie master what a good tip is.  

Caddie Jack says...

Should a club inform you the recommended tip is $20, take into account our marathon round of six hours. Think about all the time I have in. And if you do the math $20 is a little more than a dollar a hole.  One of the guys tells Jack he’s gonna run inside the pro shop real quick and then he’ll tip him out.  

Caddie Jack says...

I know the signs of a golfer whose intentions are to stiff me. Just walk away. If you don’t have cash go inside the pro shop where you might intend to elude me and ask if you can place my tip on a credit card. But be informed that it will go on my check and I have to claim it on my taxes.  The last golfer offers a tip. He has a funny look on his face. He asks Jack if he has change for a $20.  

Caddie Jack says...

Why on earth would you ask a caddie for change? Even if I do have a few dollars on me I will still say I don’t carry any money on me on the job. I would sooner advise you to just give me that bill you want changed. And if you hand over less than $5 dollars I’ll hand it right back and say you need it more than I do. Shaking the hands of all of his players Jack drives both carts to the cart shack. In cleaning both carts Jack finds a loot of golf paraphernalia.  

Caddie Jack says...

I can’t condone what some of those other unsavory caddies might do in this situation. There is a rather harsh philosophy some caddies have concerning lost items on a cart. Depending on your tip and the worth of the lost item you might forfeit your rights to it. Some caddies think that if they give the lost item back, then the deficit of their tip should be redeemed.   
Caddie Jack would just like to finish by saying...
It can be a tough industry. The standards set by some lazy, scum bag, hung over caddies do make it difficult for the honest hard working ones. Some loops are absolute torture. If we all just get together and try to have fun let me know at the end of the round.